Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
