I think I died a long time ago.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
