What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
