im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
