Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
