I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my shit smells like andre
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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