If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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