you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
