I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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