Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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