Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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