i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i believe in u and ur pee
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