Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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