I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
