He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize