I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
