She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
