a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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