I wish you could order shots online.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
