Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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