I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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