Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
