She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
