Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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