Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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