She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
