They should really pass out barf bags in church
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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