My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
