I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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