I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
