I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
