sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
