I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
