fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
