Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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