I will die if light touches me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
