Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
