my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
