i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
