My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
