here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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