The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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