we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This baby is an asshole
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
