my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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