Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
