I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
