Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
