Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
whose parrot is this?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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