grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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