I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
