1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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