the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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