Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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