u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
