its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
