someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
