Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
