I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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