no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
