Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
